A Woman's 50 Rules for Men
- Call.
- Don't lie.
- Never tape any of her body parts together.
- If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
- If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
- The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
- Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
- Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
- Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
- Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
- "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
- Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
- A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
- None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
- Her cooking is excellent.
- That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
- Dishsoap is your friend.
- Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
- Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
- Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
- Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
- Two words: clean socks.
- Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
- Burping is not sexy.
- You're wrong.
- You're sorry.
- She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
- Ditto for your discourse on football.
- Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
- "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
- Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
- Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
- No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
- "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
- Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
- Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
- Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
- If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
- Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
- Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
- Always, always suck up to her brother.
- Think boxers.
- Silk boxers.
- Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
- Don't try to change the way she dresses.
- Her haircut is never bad.
- Don't let your friends pick on her.
- Call.
- Don't lie.
- The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
THE GUYS’ RULES
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story…
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
