what grudges can do.

Fwded mail: Worth reading though

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the
> idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and
> spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed
> away while he was still very young.
>
> Mother endured much hardship
> and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him
> through to a university degree. You could say that she
> suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of
> a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
>
> I immediately agreed and
> started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing
> the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.
> Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me
> up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to
> put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."
> Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest
> and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment
> put the tiny me into his pockets.
>
> Whenever we have an argument
> and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin
> me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for
> mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
>
>
> Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle
> with her.
>
> For example; I am so used to
> buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not
> stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you
> young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for?
> You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said:
> "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also
> become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and
> hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit;
> slowly you will get use to it."
>
> Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,
> whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much
> it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and
> express displeasure.
>
> Sometimes, when I come home
> with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every
> item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she
> would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched
> my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell
> her the full price of everything would solve it."
>
> There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
>
>
> Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare
> the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house
> cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial
> expression is always like the dark clouds before a
> thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would
> use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her
> silent protest.
>
> As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am
> exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to
> give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the
> comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the
> protest mother makes.
>
> From time to time, mother
> would help out with some housework, but soon her help
> created additional work for me. For example: she would keep
> all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell
> them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with
> all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing
> detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to
> hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
>
> One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the
> dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and
> cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a
> difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me
> for that entire night.
>
> I pretended to be a spoilt
> child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I
> got mad and asked him:
> "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and
> said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We
> couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean
> it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period
> of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that
> there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During
> that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to
> who to please.
>
> In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast,
> mother took on the "all important" task of
> preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast
> table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
> breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having
> failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the
> embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my
> own breakfast on my way to work.
>
> That night, while in bed,
> hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it
> because you think that mum's cooking is not clean
> that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then
> turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling
> of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:
> "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
> I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast
> table.
>
> The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother
> and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything
> inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress
> the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl,
> rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out.
>
> Just as I was catching my
> breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her
> dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring
> at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but
> no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
>
> We had our very first big
> fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and
> slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final
> stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For
> three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone
> call.
>
> I was so furious, since
> mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up
> with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I
> keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not
> appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at
> home, I was at then low point in my life.
>
> Finally, a colleague said:
> "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a
> doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
>
> Now it became clear to me
> why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness
> floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't
> hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought
> of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
>
> At the hospital entrance, I
> saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days,
> but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but
> one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist
> and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally
> found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he
> has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through
> my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail
> a cab.
>
> At that moment, I have such
> a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling,
> I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and
> spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't
> happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling
> down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test
> of one fight?
>
> Back home, I lay on the bed
> thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.
> I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound
> of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights
> and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was
> removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored
> me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the
> house.
>
> Maybe he really intends to
> leave me for good.. What a rational man, so clear-cut in
> love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears
> starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to
> work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with
> hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a
> weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a
> traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
>
> I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the
> time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby
> did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at
> mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't
> control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
>
>
> Throughout the funeral,
> hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the
> occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out
> brief facts about the accident from other people. That day,
> after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the
> bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house
> back in the countryside.
>
> As hubby ran after her, she
> tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a
> public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much
> hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if
> we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly
> the killer of his mother..
>
> Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every
> night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried
> under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I
> wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have
> our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his
> eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just
> fell back in.
>
> I had rather he hit me real
> hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of
> these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days
> of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
> hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us
> continues, we were living together like strangers who
> don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his
> heart.
>
> One day, I passed by a
> western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw
> hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very
> lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it
> meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered
> the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard
> at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
> and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me,
> looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched
> out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,
> challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating,
> one by one as if at the brink of death.
>
> I eventually backed down, if
> I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with
> the baby inside me.. That night, he did not come home; he
> had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:
> Following mother's death so did our love for each
> other...
>
> He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I
> returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had
> been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I
> no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain
> everything to him vanished.
>
> I lived alone; I go for my
> medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again
> every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through
> the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me
> to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not..
> I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of
> repaying mother for causing her death.
>
> One day, I came home and I
> saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was
> filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was
> this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without
> even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone,
> I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I
> looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a
> while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in
> his eyes, just like mine.
>
> As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You
> cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly,
> but I refused to let tears come out from there.
> After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at
> my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table
> and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at
> what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to
> him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's
> accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not
> control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I
> said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did
> not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
>
> Hubby slowly moved over me,
> his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so
> far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach
> them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated
> "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I
> would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western
> restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his
> eyes, I will never forget, ever.
>
> We have drawn such deep
> scars in each other's heart. For me, it's
> unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been
> waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized
> now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not
> repeated.
>
> Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would
> bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards
> him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't
> take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him..
>
> From the moment I signed on
> that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my
> heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom,
> but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
>
> He had no choice but to
> sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can
> hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be
> his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake
> illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with
> him, he would then grab me and laugh.
>
> He has forgotten that last
> time I cared for him and am concerned because there was
> love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's
> groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously
> ignored him.
>
> Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby,
> infant products, children products and books that kids like
> to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it
> is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me,
> but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice
> but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing
> away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to
> web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
>
> It was sometime towards the
> end of spring in the following year, one late night, I
> screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came
> rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep,
> and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran
> down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly
> and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the
> journey to the hospital.
>
> Once we reached the
> hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
> Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought
> crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as
> much as he did?
>
> He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in;
> his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my
> contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby
> looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept
> smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
>
> Hubby looked at me, smiling
> and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for
> him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired
> eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any
> tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper
> pain cutting through my body at that moment.
>
> Doctor said that by the time
> hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in
> terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last
> this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he
> had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me
> saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
>
> I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I
> went into his room and checked his computer, and a
> suffocating pain hits me.
>
> Hubby's cancer was
> discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had
> thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand
> words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I
> have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I
> fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life,
> you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if
> only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice
> would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy
> has written inside here all the possible difficulties and
> problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you
> meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's
> suggestion....
>
> Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I
> have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest,
> daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered,
> she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves
> me most..."
>
> From play school to primary
> school, to secondary, university, to work and even in
> dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was
> written there.
>
> Hubby has also written a letter for me:
>
> "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness,
> forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for
> not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in
> a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear,
> if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would
> smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm
> afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you
> help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on
> what to give when are all written on the packaging...
> "
>
> Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I
> brought our son over and place him beside him. I said:
> "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember
> being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to
> open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his
> arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press
> the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang
> through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....
>
> A fatal misunderstanding and
> the person who loves me the most in this world is gone
> forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another
> disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our
> originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and
> peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went
> terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed
> at a price, every thing became too late.".........
>
> This is a true story...
> LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
>
> I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my
> eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would
> happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of
> grudges and anger!
>
> Simple humility and
> communication would have resolved most of the problems in
> that story, as well as patience....
> This story has really
> touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a
> paradigm shift.. Though it is very sad, it is also very
> refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start
> to live a life free of grudge. People please let’s live a
> life devoid of grudges.
>
> Communication with your loved ones is THE key.

Wow..